Yesterday had a lot of meaning for me…first, it was my birthday :-). I had dozens of facebook well wishes, several calls and txts from friends and a lovely voicemail from my Pop crooning the birthday song as only my Pop can do :-). And that was all just in the day. I worked just the morning and then headed out around town running errands and generally puttering about decidedly taking my sweet time about it all. When I was growing up the big deal about having a birthday was that we got to choose what was for dinner and this year I was choosing my weekly favorite (Sushi) at my weekly favorite place for it (Fish Joint) who’s open mic just happened to land on this day so after a few weeks of focusing a good chunk of my time and energy on helping someone else bring their dream to fruition, I took this day to remind myself what my hopes and dreams are. I came home, sat down with Martin and Kala and played until the dents returned to my fingertips. There was a bit of a knot in my throat from lack of practice and I started to wonder if it was a good idea to sing or if I should just go, sit back and enjoy the performers for a change (I’m usually too nervous to really take in what they’re playing) then a memory came to the surface that put that fear/concern into perspective. The year before…to the day…to the hour…I was sitting in Dr. H’s office, smiling and nodding and reading his body language and noting the discomfort as he slowly revealed to me that though the surgery was a success and they got the tumor and the cancerous cells surrounding it…(great, so why isn’t he smiling) but…the spot they saw on my lung well, that wasn’t nothing after all. That was the cancer cells from the tumor spreading through my body and get this…these words will always stick in my brain “technically…it’s stage 4″ (and how he winced and he spoke those words). Now, there’s something to know about me. No matter how much I’m hurting or stressed, if the person in front of me is stressed I’m going to go into auto pilot and immediately shift my focus on the task of putting them at ease…”ok…so tell me this…can you fix it?”. He looked up at me suprised like and told me he could but, it was going to be a long road and not easy…so I assured him I was cool with that and “okaaay, so what’s with all the drama then??”. We finished up our appt with a general overview of what was to come then I walked out of the building, into my friend’s car who nervously asked how it went to which I responded with a semi manic smile “great! He’s so thrilled with how GREAT it all is” and then I made some tongue n cheek remark as we drove across town to meet up with friends at a martini bar to celebrate teh day. A whopping (and unprescedented) 5 martini’s later I was dropped off at my vacation rental where I lay awake for the next couple hours and convinced myself that I was superhuman and this was just my time to prove it and I would do just that as soon as the room stopped spinning…
About a week later I was back at the hospital having a port surgically implanted in my chest and a couple days after that the 9 months of chemo/steroids and cyberknife treatment began. Looking back I’m not quite sure how I handled it all as well as I did. Maybe it was the Welbutrin I was taking to keep my 20 year craving for cigs at bay or maybe I really am Superhuman. The mind and heart are incredibly powerful things. Maybe when we set them in motion we are all capable of being superhuman…
Anyway…so my elusive artist friend Charles came out of the woodwork and joined M n me for sushi. We were there for a while until I wandered into the back patio area (which I tend to shy away from for some odd reason) when I find him sitting there at a candlight table with sushi and beer and a big smile on his face. He was such a sight for sore eyes and had a great Boomerang type story to tell which was another gift for the day. My hope was to turn the day around and make it as opposite as last year as possible and Charles was a big part of it. He even bought me music~ Charles buys me books for my birthday. He’s an avid reader (putting it lightly)…his nickname is “Buckowski” by some…”Chuckles” by others. He’s an honest, good hearted and incredibly intuitive human being who carries a sketchbook around with him and sketches life as he sees it. Pretty phenominal if you ask me. So, a couple years back when I wrote “A friend like me” and played it for the group at one of our weekend get together’s he gave me some insightful advice to give it some edge. I set the song aside because I just couldn’t find the edge in my voice until recently. I pulled the song out of the archives, added a pick and poured my pain into it. What a fking year. The last couple weeks all the things I’ve (or the treaments) placed on hold resurfaced in tenfold fashion. M likes to remind me that I’m only just in recovery mode and I like to smile and nod and blow her off. Why? Cuz I’m sick of being tired and I’m tired of being sick. I wanna fit into my old favorite jeans again and recognize myself when I look in the mirror and be able to leap out of bed instead of bracing myself for the pain and aches that inevitably follow with my first steps and I want to brush my teeth without spitting blood into the sink and bleach my teeth nice n pearly white and speaking of white I’m really looking forward to the day I wake up with whites of my eyes being just that and not the bleary redishness. Oh there’s more whining in here but, you get the gist.
That said, I was determined to take a full break of the whining and make the day count. So, there I was …sitting there next to two good friends and surrounded by several familar faces and actually sitting amoung the open mic musicians instead of my usual seating off to the wayside. It was a whole different view and I was torn between soaking it all in and focusing on my two friends at the table. We did some serious catching up and clearing up old crap and M was manically waiting for me to open up the flip flops she got me that she was so determined I’d go gaga over. I think I’m sweetly oblivioius to some branding…and this was one of those cases. Now, I love flip flops…I practically live in em but, I wasn’t sure what the hoopla was about. Still….it meant a lot to me that she got me something that she thought to be the best of the best. I didn’t recognize the music Charles got me either but, I recognized the enthusiastic look on his face and the thoughtfulness behind his gift and his willingness to get that I’m not much of a reader (never have been) but, for him I’d read because it’s important to him and you do that kind of thing when it’s important to someone who’s important to you.
I sang 2 songs on the guitar and 1 on the uke then ended with ‘Walking Still” and was sure to add the much needed “edge” to the song and could see Charle’s face from the stage and his nod of approval. He also told me afterward that he always thought the song was about him. Oh good lord noooooo. Cracked me up. He was notably surprised when I told him the inspiration behind it. Got a much better view of the guyz that come out each week to play…The Barnwell Shift (which for some reason I keep calling them barnswallow like the bird). I like their style and I love how much they love what they do. It seems to be far less about ego and far more about a marriage of 3 distinctly different sounds. I was suddenly very glad I finally moved in from the outskirts and have a feeling I’m meant to learn something from them…
JD was a no show or so I thought. He wandered in at the end fresh from an Art Walk and I found it charming that he thought he was going to get out of playing music on my birthday of all days. WTF? It didnt’ take much coaxing and he even asked what I wanted to hear “Something sweet and positive” and that’s exactly what I got and as I closed my eyes and soaked in the song I found myself singing along and even harmonizing here and there. I miss doing that. I miss the sitting around, playing music with others and improvising as we go along. The few that were there gave us a warm response afterward and I smiled and yet another unexpected gift. As I was putting my guitar away he called out “Ali…did you hear that??” and one of the guys was saying how well our voices went together and that we should record together and I smiled and “oh yeah?” when I was thinking “Duh…hell yeah”. Just been waiting for the stars to align on that one. They will, I have no doubt. We finished our drinks, hugged goodbye and M asked if I had energy for one more at my place. We used to sit up and talk til the wee hours of the morning and I knew she really missed that stuff and I was surprised to hear myself say yes but, I honestly felt up for it and besides…it was my Birthday and I wanted to stay up and do the girl talk over a glass of wine and wait…I didn’t get cake so I want icecream which meant stopping at the infamous “Mary’s” as our corner store is lovingly referred to. M told her and her brother (who often co-minds the shop) how I sang and Mary said “why don’t you ever sing for us?”. I don’t know if it was the sake or the determination to edge the annual shift out even further but, I told her my car was right out front as was my guitar and I will play one right now. So, I got it out as two kids skateboarded back and forth across in front of me as I set up. The youngest one clearly tired and banging things to keep himself awake while his dad was in the laundromat. I closed my eyes and I played “Piece of Cake” and I looked up and smiled at each of them at different times in the story and I could tell M was jazzed to give them the “yup, that’s my friend playin right there”. When I was done, I received big hugs and as I left, I got a shout out from the little boy (M was like “ohhh he looooooved youuuuuu”) ‘byyyyyyyeeeee’ and I smiled and waved “byyyyeeeee be goooood” and smiled ear to ear all the way home. The look at the kid’s face was priceless. writing this and re-living the day is putting a big old smile on this tired face and making me realize that mission accomplished.
So, what’s next? I’m going to keep to my moment of truth that I need to rest until I can spring out of bed, wink back at the girl in the mirror and see the whites of my eyes and smile. I’m going to spend less time/energy helping others achieve their goals and go back to being more consistant about pursuring mine…stick to at least one open mic a week and search weekly for songwriting contests and keep submitting to them until I win, place or get a song on tv/film. And Roy, you have my blessing to SHOUT at me all over that facebook page “Ali…where the $^%%# is that blog??” if I dare go more than 24 hours past the set Wednesday deadline to post my weekly blog. Ok, speaking of rest…it’s pushing for 1am…time to shut those eyes.
Sleep well, Dream Big and thanks as always for following along~

Me n Charles on my Birthday at the Martini Bar...