You know I’m a big believer in keeping your eyes peeled for signs because they’re everywhere and if you don’t pay attention you’ll miss out on invites to all kinds of opportunities in life. For example…I was wondering the other day what I’d write about. I spend a lot of time lately hiding away and quietly struggling with the side effects and the toll it takes on my ever so bright outlook on life (I hate being publicly mopey. I think it’s bs to subject innocent bystanders to it y’know?). I should be out there playing open mics but, I can’t quite bring myself to do it until I feel (look) more like myself. But, as I was talking with my best friend (Miche up in Seattle) she reminded me that in the midst of our busy work weeks over the years, how many times did/do we say “I wish I could just even have a month off from work but, still get paid for it”. And then we imagine all the many things we’d finally accomplish but, with our crazy schedules just can’t find enough hours in the day. Well, here I am with all those hours to spend and most of them are spent curled up in front of the TV or in front of my laptop anywhere there’s shade (yeah it makes me photosentive and rash out big time if I get more than a few minutes of sun on my skin- whine whine) when I could/should be doing so much more. As we were talking, I looked up at the giant post-its on my wall and the list of all things I set out to accomplish during my medical leave…Write a Screenplay…get a paying gig, win a competition, send songs into music supervisors, be a film extra for a day, learn to play well standing up, etc. Most of the things on the list I can do even on a blech day and yet…I wake up, have breakfast and somehow time flies and it’s dark out and time to take my tylenol pm’s and off to get the recommended 8-10 hours rest. I barely even soak in the gorgerous sunsets that are just outside my door every night. It’s amazing how easily time can get away from you. It takes a seriously focused mind to be able to harness it. Or get a coach to help you.
Anyway…so I’m flipping channels and came across the Black eyed Peas E.N.D. concert recorded in LA. I’m not one for watching taped concerts. I think nothing beats seeing a band live and even then my short attention span can’t handle being in a seat for 2 hours but, I’m a fan of the Black eye’ds and especially Fergie. I’m inspired by her. She seems very “real”. She was doing a couple solo songs and the rest of the band wasn’t on stage so I was wondering if it was just her in concert…did she go solo? I didn’t think so. They all seem tight as tight can be. She’s also one of the judges for the Avon voice contest so I decided to watch some and paid closer attention to what she sang, how she sang it and how she carried herself on stage. She’s strong like me and isn’t all femie barbie type. I think she could kick just about anyone’s ass if she had to. Thanks to my brother Dennis (who decided he would be my personal defense coach when I was younger), so could I. When the song ended and the next one started, one by one the rest of their gang came out. I didn’t know any of their names but here and there they opened up a part of themselves which made me take notice. Will. i. am (I looked it up) is the alpha of the group and he explained that most of them were born in LA, that he grew up in the projects and mentioned some places in his hood he’d frequent back in the day and with each bit of info he divulged there was a surge of noise from fans that knew exactly what he was talking about and in an instant he took his connection with the audience to a whole new level. It was extraordinary to witness. He talked about each member and they all shared something. They thanked their fans for elevating them from an obscure band to members of the international league. He talked about how they’ve been together since 1995 and how they struggled to make a name for themselves. How they’d constantly get rejected by the record labels saying their sound wasn’t what they were looking for. And how they wouldn’t give up. They believed in themselves, in eachother, in their group and as he said they refused to take NO for an answer. Imagine if they’d believed these key givers and gave up. Their lives would be so different. And I love that he noted they weren’t there yet “But”, he says…”I’ve got a feeling…” and the crowd went nutz. He said they had farther to climb and asked them to stay with em while they worked toward it before they broke into the song. A bold and open acknowledgement of a partnership between the band and their fans. You can work your ass off, play/sing your heart out but, it’s the fans that will carry you to wherever you hope to go. I get that. Everytime I see a new comment, fan on facebook or on jango I get all verklempt (I know, when don’t I) and take it as another set of hands holding up my dream. It’s stuff like that, that pushes me to break out of my shell (that I tend to fall back into like a favorite pair of shoes) and go out there.
Sandy (she’s the one who takes my vitals) is really supportive and often asks when I’ll be playing in North County so she can be there. She was confrontive with me today and I took it as a sign. I envisioned this pair of hands trying to hold my dream up and I’d been brushing them away. Shame on me. So, I told her in February I promise, no matter what, I’ll play a couple open mics at least in North County and I’ll give her plenty of notice. And then I thought about a couple of the nurses who’d asked the same thing of me and I virtually punched myself for neglecting those signs. See…I’m a daydreamer 90% of the time I’m standing in front of someone and nodding away but my brain is off somewhere else completeeetly. And the other times I can hyper focus on something where you see a plaid fabric and I see the fibers of the threads and the areas where the lines don’t connect. I like both sides when I can control them. As you can imagine growing up my brain went wherever it wanted, whenever it wanted and sometimes didn’t return to where it started until years later. And yeah…just imagine the face of that friend or co-worker as I precede to pick up a conversation we left off years ago. Some are fascinated and some are a little freaked by it and some think its some neat trick. I just is what I is…”Imperfection at it’s Best”.
Speaking of coaching (see what I mean?)…the whole blubber gain thing isn’t hopeless. I’m just lazy and stubborn and short sighted at times (and a sometime walking/talking catch 22). I got up the nerve (and the cash) and called the gym and made an appt with a personal trainer. I went in on Monday and told her most of my sob story and she barely blinked an eye. Then she walked me through a cycle of machines to go through that would work my “core” and then she insisted I attend one of her yoga/pilates classes and in turn she’d setup 30 minutes sessions weekly to make it affordable. And then she waived the fee for that session and called it orientation. I think she took pity on pathetic me. I didn’t mind. I was in the mood for some empathy and a good swift kick. Got both. When she mentioned the class I cringed. I don’t know about you but, I can’t stand being in a “class”. Worse, when you know you’ll be surrounded by people in their matchy matchy I’m so in outfits and more makeup than I’d wear on an evening out (I know…I’m sucha Tomgirl). She caught on to this and said “don’t worry. My classes aren’t frilly or Jane Fonda. They’re down to earth and cool and they’ll do wonders for your core”. So, how am I going to say no to that? I’m not. I can’t. I’d already been called out and I asked for it so off I’ll go. And to tie it in with the music project I take the tape recorder with me and listen to old lessons and recent attempts while I do whatever you call it on the eliptical machine. That’s about 7-9 songs/lesson clips I get to go through. Not bad. Sometimes I listen when I’m driving but, the Trooper is pretty damn loud so you need both earplugs in which apparently is illegal…and will get your nasty stairs from the pooolice or worse a little flashy light, pull over, stern warning moment…who knew?
Oh, just got the call from the Cyberknife chica. Next Wed/Thur/Fri I go in and go through the Star Wars meets Logan’s Run radio-laser surgery and by next weekend I’ll have me some pink (ish) or maybe better put, cancer free lungs. No scars, no recovery, no pain. Pretty Miraculous when you think of it. Dr. L (of my dr.alphabet) will perform it and we’ll have a blast I know. She’s a euro-taz devil and I love em (you know that kind that thinks and speaks at the speed of light and can pack a week into a day) so we’ll be yapping and laughing throughout it. That’s me. That’s how I deal. You gotta go through it, you might as well laugh your way through it :-).
Lessons…must get back to them. Will get back to them. Next month at the latest I’m going to book a 2 hour with Russell (who recently added himself as a fan…fan #99 to be exact 🙂 and work on the new song (Dorian Gray) and see if I can finally get from D to G (whatever that G is were its the bottom and top string that I flub up) and maybe work on a cover song. I know maybe 4. I know I should know more. Oh and to let him know we’ll be going into the studio in the spring to record 3 singles (well 2 and the Sounders song. Anyone’s guess if that one will be accepted or not…I’m noivous fo sho).
Now I know you’re wondering about that song mix I promised to get sent out last week. I’ll make the excuse list short but, It’s been a comedy of errors to be sure. It wasn’t in my new laptop’s iTunes so I searched for a CD then I remembered I gave the last copy (that I have at least. There is someone out there who should really find a way to get the rest of mine back to me but, that would mean facing me and that won’t go well for them so no wonder they haven’t returned them). Right, so, gave My last copy to Bonnie who I hadn’t seen in years so I’m glad I did. I remembered I had a copy of the songs on my external hard drive. I looked all over my tiny abode and could not find it to save my life. WTF. So, I let it go to avoid going mad and then yesterday vowed to get back on it. Did a second search and low and behold there it was right there in the laptop bag pocket. A pocket I check at least twice. I wasn’t meant to find it then, I decided. I took the image and CD’s I’d burned the 8 songs onto CD’s and a jump drive with the image on it and headed off to Kinkos where the very nice guy (they’re always so nice there) and told me they can’t open that kind of file and do I have Illustrator to create it cuz that would be better…hrmmm…I have the software but, lost the key so no…so I bought CD labels from them that came with memorex (I used lower case but, they’re annoying me) software to create a quick and easy stamp. Yeah…16 years in technology and I struggle creating a stupidly simple CD stamp. So, I went home and remade using the M software and when I went to save it as a PDF it said no thanks…you can save it in our format however (which is defintely not one that Kinkos can open). So, I set it all aside again and asked myself…why…with all the things musically that have come to me so easily the past couple years…why is this little task so f’n difficult? So, this morning I txtd Meredith (graphic goddess extraordinaire) and she wrote back simply…”why don’t you go to print it then choose PDF?”. Yes, why don’t I indeed…So, that’s what I just attempted and hrm…guess what…that nifty little feature is no longer available in Windows 7. What is someone trying to tell me?? So, I researched it and found a workaround, made it happen and emailed (that Kinkos guy gave me) the image off to Kinkos. So, by this time tomorrow it should be done. And as for why? I looked and looked and found that I had missspelled something obvious on it. If these music supervisors are anything like big companies who round file (toss out) ur resume if it doesn’t have a 4 year degree listed on it (which I admit, I did forge-ish once) they may toss out ones that the singer was lazy/careless and didn’t bother to spell things correctly. I’ve decided that’s the cause for all these hurdles and Will see if it goes smoothly from here on.
No, that wasn’t the shortest of lists but, believe me I could’ve added more~ So, I leave you (and me) with this reminder. Keep your eyes, your mind and your heart open or you’ll miss out on some great moments…that and Peter, what the hell is that fish you’re holding?? It looks like a giant flounder or halibut but, what do I know other than its nearly man sized and that seem so unbelievable? It must be trick photography…or is it another example of what happens when you keep your eyes open? I’ll bet there’s a good story behind it…
Till then, thanks for sticking around. I’m sure there is more to come. “I’ve got a feeling…”. And wow, that song just came on overhead…how cool is that~
and Nat says my eyes are intense...helloooo didn't I just meet my match...
Just look at em. Tired from the fight but, blind determination in their eyes. That and they're some badass fashionistas~
PS: Mission (finally) accomplished. I just dropped my music compilation CD in the mail and off to Luke Hits in L.A….Fingers (and toes) crossed~