Maybe, but I got no other way of explaining it…
So, Mere was the first to arrive (late Thursday night). But, before that…I hopped over to my lesson with Moppet and I was in the weirdest funk. Had a hard time keeping from tearing up. I felt like a weirdo. Couldn’t figure what was the cause of it and thought about cutting it short a couple of times but, just pushed through it. I thought maybe it was the back pain but, I’ve had worse and not acted like this. Everytime he showed me something I couldn’t handle (as in he’d play what’s in my head easily but, I struggled to play it myself) I would tear up. WTF. I had a talk later with Keen that seemed to help put it into some kind of perspective but, at that moment I just felt this sad kind of pending doom. I went home, practiced some and started tidying up the mess that was my studio in preparation for the weekend guests. This was going to be a chicks’ weekend. It was about g/f’s reminding eachother just how much we rock and man oh man was I sooo looking forward to it. Sooooo nothing against my friends here…I just was in a wicked funk and re-inforcements were definitely needed~
So, I was tidying up my mess of a studio making it “guest ready” (as my mom would call it) when I got a txt from Keen asking if I was going to the Aussie open mic and that he was there. I thought and thought…I could and should clean more and then I thought about how I’d been feeling that day and it seemed he was on his own there and friends don’t leave friends on their own (unless it’s a growth thing like the time Miche wanted me to join her for dinner but she’d never dined alone so I was on txt standby but, she put her big girl panties and had her first solo dining experience…but, I digress). So, I did a couple more quick things, grabbed Martin and headed on over. Turns out he wasn’t alone. His roommate was there but, still. I’m taking credit for being a good music buddy. Jesse runs the open mic and he’s…he’s…well, cool but, there’s a better way to describe but, I can’t find the words for it other than “good soul” and later I found out he’s almost as big a James Taylor fan as I am so that made him ultra cool in my books~ As far as the music went, I started off with “Anyway” because it’s my melancholy song and I needed to get it off my chest. Then, I played “the more you love” (formerly called Fears and the one I wrote for my nephew) and dedicated it to Jesse’s dad who surprised me by his strong response to it. Then, someone actually asked for the “Baby” song. How cool was that~ And even better, I heard a few voices echoing the words “baaaaaby” as I sang em. That’s the one. That’s the song that’ll last.
Anyway…in between our songs I was talking to Keen and telling him about the last few days and how sad I’ve been and not sure I can put my finger on it. “Like a sense of defeat that I’m not going to be able to play well enough in time. Like I’m going to lose my voice by the time I can play well enough to play guitar on the recordings”…even as I said it, it didn’t feel quite it but, close. Can I tell you what’s scariest about all of this? I’m still on the happy pills that helped me quit smoking so, it must be something pretty damn big to cut through those…
Mere arrived and in true fashion we got food that was bad for us, cracked open a bottle of wine and prattled on for hours and caught up then crashed, then I got up and did a half day at work, while she followed a list of txt instructions that led her to a cool coffee shop, then the beach then back to my studio. Then, I got home and went to the ultimate escape…that spa I was telling you about by the bay…(could I afford this? No, but, this is Mere we’re talking about and I know the wonders it did for me and I was sure it was exactly what she needed so it had to happen and its not like I suffered, as a matter of fact it nearly fixed my back as in the next morning I woke up and I could stand up straight right off the bat and I do believe I even danced around the studio to celebrate 🙂 It’s still creeky but, I’ll take that victory and reminder never to take my back for granted again~
But, right…let’s get back to the heart of it. Jan and Michele made it the next morning. They rented bikes from the place I bought mine and Mere got a chance to meet Moppet and agreed with me he’s the perfect person to be teaching me right now…”Just the right energy”. We bike all over the place…by the beach, by the bay and then celebrated ‘National Tequila Day” followed by more biking and then an attempt at a swim in the bay followed by nap on beach, followed by Thai food, followed by far more wine than necessary and much needed girl talk. I needed the outside perspective to get to the heart of what was making me so sad. I started the same conversation I had with Keen about the fear of not being able to learn guitar fast enough to be able to play on the recordings before my voice gives out (which for some reason I think will be soon) so, do I depend on someone else to make the guitar part happen? Jan made an excellent point about Mick Jagger and how he doesn’t play guitar but he totally got his songs across. Do I trust Russ to play them in way that totally reflects me? Answer: Hell Yes. So, what’s the problem? I rambled a bit to find the words and said something like “It’s not so bad if I can’t play all the songs as I hear them in my head but, it’s the depending on someone else to play them for me…what if Russ’ band makes it big before we record? Then, I’m screwed trying to find someone else who can get inside my head and play the songs how I hear them (and trust me, that’s not easy to find) and then the words “trust” echoed in my head and I said it…”or if he does something that I just can’t accept or forgive and I have to cut off all ties and I am, screwed again”…and a flood of memories of about this time last year and the months that followed surfaced and like an artichoke at one of my family’s dinners growing up…in the shake of a lamb’s tail it went from full to plucked and carved down till the heart was painfully exposed. I was terrified of leaning on someone else again, opening myself up and being vulnerable to someone else to make my music happen. So, I think I’ve been secretly sabotaging the recording process because I didn’t want to have to rely on someone else to make it happen, afraid of history repeating itself, of losing the ground we’ll make and I’m pretty sure I don’t have it in me to go through that particular brand of dissapointment again…as I type this I’m wondering if I’ve gone too far in how open one should be on a blog to a bunch of peeps/shadows from the US, Canada, Russia, Great Britain, Czech Republic, Spain, Malaysia, Germany, China, Netherlands and Indonesia (at least that’s who’s been reading this month) and as I read it back it seems a bit melodramatic but, remember this is me “on the inside”. I think I’m pretty much incapable of feeling anything lightly…and you know what? Fuck it. This whole thing is about writing from the heart and finding out once and for all if I really am just some unidentifiable “odd bird” or if there really are others out there than can relate to the ways I think and feel. So, that’s what’s been eating at me. I don’t know how to explain that to Moppet or if I need to. Maybe I just needed to figure it out myself and then decide whether I should take the risk with him. So, I’m going to take the week off from lessons, figure it out and start back up next week with with a decided approach.
And that’s why the “Goddesses” tagline this week. Because if you’re lucky…you’ll have a varied set of friends (or one who can magically do it all). And you may never know ahead of it who has the particular insight that will help you unravel the mystery you’re grappling with but, you do know you can count on them to step up and try until you do get it sorted and that is what happened throughout this whole weekend. From the ironically timed changing of traffic lights to the perfectly timed opening of parking spots where there are so few and far between to the right words that cut through the fog. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am a very very lucky person. I hope I give to them as much as they give to me but at the very least women…my fellow goddesses…I am ohhhhh so grateful that I found each of you~
Amazing weekend and just as I predicted…tomorrow when I wake up, I will be primed and ready to take it all on again. Fk the past. Can’t fix it. Can’t undo it. Let it go, and tell it to get the fk outta your way cuz you got other places to be and remarkable things to do.
Now, I’m gonna stop writing and you’re gonna stop reading so we can both get on with making remarkable things happen.
This week, nothing planned but, that’s usually when something cool happens and when it does, I will post.
Thanks as always for listening and inspiring me to keep on.
PS: The woman who took my order for breakfast this morning said I had a wish coming because the cost of my order ended with 3 matching numbers…never heard of it but, who am I to argue with hope? Two guesses what I wished for and what hill it sat upon…
PSS: lil example of the goddess magic…passed this today after we randomly decided to check out the La Jolla farmers’ market…
Like any of us come across this every day??