I will say with pride that there were no arguments regarding the moving of furniture. I watched and took photos as germ and red put together the guest beds and decorated them with care and ehm finesse I didn’t quite know they had in them (there were teddy bears involved).
We’re all so used to bossing germ about that it was a nice moment to see him gently move in and take control of his (yes, we call it ours but, we know who pays the morgage) domain and so by nature I stepped back and just enjoyed being witness to it.
I was pretty intent on this being the perfect Thanksgiving. I was even a bit smug about it I’d say. Look at me, I’ll be exactly where I want and with whom I want and my world is perrrfect (if even for a day). The one thing I didn’t seem to count on is not everyone is tuned into the same channel as me. At one point I’d say my channel was on a little, pocket sized tv and a there were huge screens overshadowing it showing completely different versions. I kept looking for a clicker to change em all to my version because I was sure it was “the one” for all and I’ll admit it was upsetting to realize there was no clicker. Just over a dozen different shows all going on at once. I can multi task but, as a sensitive…it was overwhelming. I smiled, I joked, I cajoled, I sang (my heart out) but, inside I was crushed (dramatic I know, but I don’t how to feel anything lightly).
The next morning when I woke I knew I was in a frame of mind that wouldn’t allow me to contain my volcanic thoughts so, I snuck out and went back to my box (ok, ok Michele) “the studio” to ground myself and sort out in my head what had just happened. Then, I decided to call Eddy (you know Eddy, my brother, the 5th one, the freest of spirits in the family). “What’s wrong with people?? Why don’t they get how important Thanksgiving is, that it’s the one day that everyone puts aside their troubles no matter how daunting and remind eachother just how lucky we are in the grande scheme of things. Its a sacred day fer fkssake”. He was calm (he’s always calm) and said it was about perceptions. That my perception of the day is about a day of truce. The one day when the very different persona’s of my larger than life family set aside our differences and show genuine appreciation for one another. If anyone dared to start with the negative crap there’d be at least two sets of eyes boring into theirs and all was back on track. That’s what we grew up with and what we see as normal. What else do we have to compare it to, why would we even want to? When in fact there are many other people in the room now with many different ways they grew up and learned beliefs of what normal is to them.
Imagine how screwed up I felt when that realization hit me. Then again, it was also like a sudden clearing through the trees of an age old forest revealing a whole other village on the other side. For such a smart person I can be pretty naiive. Thank fkn god I discovered it before Christmas~
It really made me think about how many other perceptions I think I share with others and maybe I just assume they do because they nod and smile but, in their own heads there’s a whole other picture show going on. A friend recently called me bold and I disagreed fervently (think there was a hell no). No, my friend. Being willing to see eachother’s true perceptions knowing it would definitively answer the pointed question…can they openly co-exist? Now that, would be bold…to be willing to risk that particular brand of disappointment.
Maybe…this is the start of a whole new chapter, a turning of the page I’ve been stuck on for so long and didn’t fully realize because I was so wrapped up in it. I remember when I was little and upset over something that didn’t go well with a friend and my mom hugged me and said in her most maternal way “you tend to put people into boxes and when they don’t fit into the box anymore you get upset and push them aside”. I just remembered that one right now. Wow. Six years gone from this world and she’s still teaching me a thing or two. Huh, well I guess now, I get my obsession with boxes. A way of making sense of all the abstracts around me. How absurd was I, when everyone knows abstracts change form and could never be content staying boxed in. Ohhh, I love mysteries. I love to sort them out and then wrap them up with a big bow and be all smug about how clever I was to figure them out (this is me being smug now).
Note to self…try to see and acknowlege other people’s perceptions, while still respecting my own. I wonder what kind of music will come from this? We shall see, we shall see…
Now, If I could only understand the obsession with leaves…
Thanks for listening~
PS: my sister asked me what I wanted for Christmas…I said “get 20 ppl to download the cd” or “mr right” or “winning lottery ticket”. She said “If you think of something else, let me know”. Next year…