Weekend update – I went to the prom…

That’s right and not just any prom.  I went to a 1980’s retro prom.  Or rather a re-creation. 

It all started a couple of months back when my good friend Mere’s boyfriend emailed some of us saying she’d never gone to prom and though she didn’t say it, he thought it bothered  her that she never went so…he wanted to re-create the prom for her for her birthday…(collective awwwww) yup.  He’s a keeper.

So over the course of the past few weeks we all collectively kept one of the biggest secrets ever from her and got our airline tickets and 1980’s prom dresses (some actually kept and wore their originals and that was very impressive).  We curled and teased our hair and brought out the lip gloss and even got an amazing DJ who played all the hits.  DJ, you rocked big time~  There’s a gym in their building so we spent a few hours the day of sneaking in the back and decorating it like only a teen at heart could do with crape paper strung from basketball hoop to basketball hoop and every cheesy decoration known to man to create the perfect “under the sea” theme.  He even got a cake within the theme.

It was exciting and exhausting and I still don’t know how but, she was completely and utterly surprised.  I had a chance to see some old work mates and meet some I’d heard great things about and one ole near and dear was especially great to see.   His wife was my eye doctor and to this day I’m terrified of leaving my contacts in too long for fear she’ll take a swipe at me.

He paid me the greatest compliment saying he thought my music was “clean” and that he loved that he could actually hear the words and the follow the stories.  He was never one for false flattery and it made my night and renewed my sense of purpose.  I don’t think he knows the impact his words had but they did M, they did. 

I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately.  A lot going on in my head and trying to figure out what’s next after a disappointing first sales report and other general life frustrations.  I’m about to turn a corner to what I hope is another step in the right direction and I’m turning it now with that sense of perseverance and determination that I seemed to have lost track of temporarily.  I played for a few of em late that night in the Letts-Fisher loft and this time, I wasn’t nervous.  This time I played from the heart and it felt really…right.  Progress~

Got to see my old neighborhood, Madison Park.  I like my ritual of visiting my old market every time I’m in town and popping in to buy my favorite (spelt) bread and giving a reminiscent smile to the staff.  Hazel is my favorite and young scruffy one that I still have a mad crush on was there too but,  he’s far too young so I just ask him a stupid question whenever I see him and make him search an aisle for something and that to me is in some weird way a gratifying flirtation with matches.  I even imagined asking him to the prom but, my imagination is far bolder and less aware of social indignities than I am (thank fkn god).

I played for another friend Friday night for the first time who so got the lyrics to “anyway” and felt what it was about.  I was anxious to play it for her because when I was writing it I remembered a conversation we once had where I said I felt like there was too much going on…like I was that person in the circus with all those plates spinning on the poles and it was getting frantic trying to keep them all spinning and she said “so what, if you just walked away from them…what if you just let them all fall?”.  I knew the moment the song was over and I looked up and saw the recognition on her face that I was back and when she said I’d inspired her to paint I just thought “Ali, you idiot…this project isn’t about you anymore…it’s become a lot more and you started it so you can’t back down now or you’ll risk an unraveling of all that’s stemming from it”.  Jezus that’s a huge responsibility but, I’ve always said I’m happiest when I’m useful so there I go, happy again~

And to those of mine in Seattle I didn’t tell I was in town, sorry sorry sorry.  I wasn’t trying to be a jerk, I swear.  Was just running on fumes and wanted to keep it all about one thing this time instead of the usual racing back and forth trying to get in quality time with all I hold near and dear.  Sucks loving so many people sometimes.  Arms just aren’t wide enough and the clock just refuses to slow down to allow me the time my brain needs to make it all happen.

So, that was my weekend.  This weekend may be even more interesting…who knows…I’ve given up planning and just going along for the ride.

Thanks for listening~


Salt n Pepper…

Been thinking back to the day a few years back when I was in L.A. hanging at a sushi place with my oldest brother, my nephew and niece.  My nephew was living there trying to break into acting (he’s still there and he’s really good in my humble auntie opinion) and we were having a typical family meal with conversations flying in all directions when my nephew said “Dad, you’re crazy”.  Now, that’s not the first time I’ve heard him say it and the tone just made my heart sink so I barked at him telling him it wasn’t cool calling his dad “crazy”, I didn’t want to hear it again and that in fact, he wasn’t anyway.

I think I threw him off because it’s rare that I bark but, I don’t like to see people berated.  I thought for a moment on how to recover, then I said something about how each person in our family was unique.  Not the typical oh we’re all special in the eyes…but, “unique”.  I got deer in headlights so I grabbed the salt n pepper shakers and made a play starting with the tale of their grandma and grandpa…”ADD” (pointing to the salt) “and ADHD” (eyeing the pepper) fell in love”.  Then I poured salt and pepper together on the center of the table in two separate piles.  “Then, they had seven children”.  I mixed the salt and pepper together and made 7 piles.  “Notice how no two are alike and yet they each have certain elements of ADD and ADHD….”.  Then I saw the light go on.  “There are a lot of layers and levels to both of them and when they mix they make even more complex combinations.  Then…their children had children…” and I started to separate piles from the piles to represent all the neices and nephews and you could’ve seen through the darkest of tunnels with the light coming between them.  “So, you can’t call your dad crazy unless you’re calling yourself crazy because you are part of what he’s made of and that’s what makes you unique as well”.

That was a rare day being able to express my thoughts in a way that made sense to someone else.  Looking back, I’m surprised by how it all fell into place like that and will never forget the peaceful calm that came over me. 

That Christmas I drew my brother’s name for gift giving (so many of us, so few with money to spare so we’ve been doing this since we were kids).   I gave my brother a beautiful salt and pepper shaker to remind him of that bonding moment we had.  Of course, forgetting that I’m not the only one with short term memory, he just stared at it for the longest time and gave a forced yet polite “Why thanks sis”.  I was so crushed that he didn’t get it until a few seconds later Ian piped up “Dad…SALT AND PEPPER Dad….SALT AND PEPPER…you know ADD and ADHD fell in love….”.

In that moment I had a flash forward to many years ahead when I’m long gone and there’s Ian with salt and pepper shaker in hand explaining to his kids why they shouldn’t call him “crazy” and all felt right with the world…

Just who does she think she is?

So, there’s a story my family likes to tell from time to time and I’m always fascinated by it because I’m not sure how it could’ve happened in all reality but, my father is a straight up guy so if he says it happened then, believe you me it happened. 

So, apparently when I was very young we were in this rental house that had a short but steep hill for a drive way and at some point without anyone noticing (nine of us, it happens), I crawled up into the car, released the brake and went for a ride backward down the hilly driveway, across the street and lodged the car between some trees.  I love trees.  If they weren’t there the car would’ve gone down into a deep gulch and then who knows what…

So, I emailed my dad the other day asking him “how old was I Pop when I did that?”

He said (and I quote) 


   That was the year we stayed at the Runquist home.  I’m pretty sure
that was in 19xx (I don’t like to talk about my age for obvious girly reasons).  That would make you about 2 years old.  You always have been one to take chances!”

There you have it.  I was doing outrageous things long before now.  So, just who does she think she is??  She’s a girl who at the age of 2 figured out there’s more to life than sitting in a stroller and waiting for the world to come to you, that’s who~


That’s song #10 done.  Amazing what you can do when you work together with yourself.

So, me n I wrote a song that’s been brewing for a few days now but, this morning it just pulled itself together.  A little high for my liking but I swears she can make the notes so we’re calling it done, wrapping a bow on it and placing it under the CD II tree.

What’s it about?  Oh, I don’t want to give away too much but,  I’d say its about dusting yourself off and getting on with things.

So, first sales report for Amazon/iTunes becomes available October 15th and the wait is killing me~  It only shows the sales for August and I think it went on iTunes at the end of the month but,  still…its my very first report (card) and I’m eager and anxious to find out how many steps closer we are…  I keep playing a guessing game in my head…maybe it’s 10…maybe it’s 2…don’t think too high or you’ll be dissapointed.  Don’t think too low either,  gotta believe…

I’ve got nagging errands to run and people to see this weekend and all I want to do is play song #10 over and over again.  God, I can hardly wait to record them for you  all.  Just want to take a long nap and say “wake me up at 10,000 downloads”.  Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet????


Thanks for listening as always…


My Life in Ruins

No, not literally.  Though I have my moments, I won’t give up that easily.  I start quoting Virgina Wolfe and then you can worry.  It’s a cute film I saw last night.  Some would say it’s too cute to have any deep meaningfulness come from it but, Richard Dreyfuss is in it and he can make cotton candy seem deep and meaningful.  It’s that girl from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” in it and she’s just really likable and the guy who plays the romantic lead…better than Gerard Butler.  There, I said it.  It’s out there.  Sorry Gerard but, you’ve been replaced as my number 1 secret fantasy guy I would throw it all away and run off with.


Ok, so why am I talking about this film when I should be talking about music?  Well,  “Smash the Glass” isn’t just about music.  It’s about looking inside oneself, figuring out what holds them back and then busting out of it.  Music is part of it but, if I don’t figure out why I lock myself away in so many other aspects then the music won’t be what’s its meant to and that’s what I promised all of you.  I sometimes feel like a prisoner slowly scratching at the stone wall with my spoon knowing that one day it’ll make a hole big enough to fit through.  Do you ever feel this way?

BTW: Thank you Canada for visiting so often.  I know it’s a long trip and I really appreciate you coming around. 

The girls will be over soon for the Thursday night “Grey’s Anatomy” night.  Looking forward to it.  Being from Seattle and sometimes homesick its kind of nice to watch stuff like this and having downright frivolous girl talk.  Not that we don’t have deep discussions believe you me, these women are multi dimensional in a big way and I couldn’t be luckier having them around to keep me focused and sane.  Feeling like you belong to people you admire is highly underacknowledged.

Hey, so I’ve been sending thank you messages to the fans on Jango.  No responses.  It looks like they didn’t even open them like they don’t know they’re there?  Jaim thinks maybe they don’t think it’s  actually from the artist and so they just say yeah, whatever but, hey…just so you know, that’s me saying “Thank You” directly and  I mean it.  One by one I’m going to write to each one because they took the time to add  themselves as fans and that’s so fuel for my fire which lately….I dunno…maybe it’s the change of the season, maybe its the changes going on in other areas but, I’m just feeling a bit lost and worried that I started something bigger than I can chew.  Mom always said my eyes were bigger than stomach.  Given the way I ate growing up that’s not plausible but, I get the reference.

Got an interesting bday card from my brother Eddy today.  Everything he writes is interesting.  He’s far more “out there” than I am and doesn’t care who knows it.  I admire that about him and yet when we’re in public places I just want to slide down into the back of my chair and slink out the door.  Life is so strange.

Ok yes…the movie…the thing that kept sticking out was that what she wanted was right in front of her but she was being such a neurotic, control freak of a mess that she didn’t see it.  Thinking less of a bus driver because he was just a bus driver (I know better but, it was a good reminder) when in fact he was very happy with his life and she, miss fancy pants wasn’t.  She couldn’t see that as the driver, he had the best view of all…the best seat in the house.  He looked from the inside out.

I crave the simple life and yet…so many circumstances make it difficult to have it.  I’m like pavlov’s dog when it comes to 50% off signs and end up collecting so much crap.  I think that’s why I move every couple years.  Just to rid myself of all the dead weight I’ve accumulated.

I’m about to make some changes that I know are good for me but will be harsh lesson in reality too.  Can I stand on my own two feet and not crumble from the lack of practice?  We shall see…we shall see…

In the meantime, practiced all 9 songs tonite and working on a cover from Needtobreathe…’Washed by the Water’.  Wow guys…not only a fkn gorgeous song but, that boy can sing it from the deepest parts.  Total inspiration.

Ok, time to get the chips n salsa out and jammies on~

Thanks for listening~


I: “win~”

me: so not talking you

I: am feigning shock and wondering why, because I was right?

me: not liking you much right now

I: like being right.  I wonder if it’s like being high all the time…

me: thinking it’s all about perception.

I: ’m just saying I kneeew you didn’t love music more than cigs

me: thinking BS in a hand basket

I: Oh c’mon you barely made it 5 days before you caved~

me: oh yeah? Well,  maybe I just don’t love you as much as cigs.  Ever think of that?

I: ‘d take that back if I were you

me: wondering why

I: say so because a: it’s not a cool thing to say.  b: I don’t believe it and c: because if you don’t I’ll be forced to hate you and do evil things like spill to the world that you have a thing for that guy in your building…

me: thinking you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.  Thinking he’s cute but “a thing” is a bit of an overstatement.

I: am so laughing aloud.  And your peripheral vision gets a stretch every time he walks by because…me: saying now would be a good time to shut it~

I: wonder how come you’re suddenly interested in fishing again?

me: OKOKOKOKOOK   JezusFknKrst, taking it back.

I:  smugly accept

me: thinking can we get back to the subject?

I: Ehm, how can we if you’re not talking to me?

me: Fine.  Temporary truce.

I:  say Fine

me: still not sure why you pushed the bet on me and don’t you worry, sorting it out slowly but surely…will say that figured out something important…

I: ‘m thinking what, that you’re a lousy role model to the youth of the world?

me: nice…not trying to be.  How could one be a role model for youth when they’re the freakn poster child for Imperfection (as in me, not youth)~

I: agree.  Then what?

me: thinking well, if you’d quit interrupting me I: said fine fine Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

me: So, you agree that smoking is a crutch of some sort right?

I: agree.  So, until you know what it’s a crutch for and how to replace it then how are you expected to quit?

me:  Yeah.  Only, caught a glimpse of it.  It’s a great de-stresser.

I: wondered.  So, maybe if you were less stressed…

me: and my thoughts exactly

I: was wondering if you worry too much about what’s next and how to make it all happen?

me: and my thoughts exactly

I: was thinking if you and I argued less and agreed on more there’d be less worry which means smoking less which means happier/healthier all around…

me: thinking you’re a genius

I: agree 😉

me: thinking let the chips fall where they may.  Try as we might, we couldn’t carry them all anyway…

I: think maybe there’s another song coming…and most definitely better times ahead

me: and my thoughts exactly


I:  think you should at least flirt with him…

me: thinking you should leave that to me

I: ‘m trying but someone’s not getting any younger~

me: shouting oh fer fekssake, can we get on with making music now?

I: say, now there’s a ‘we’….ok ok, no need for that look.  I like the sound of it.  I think ‘we’ make a good team. We’ll face whatever comes next and come out the other side, together…

me: liking the idea more and more. 

I: think you should grab the guitar now, I’ll sing

me: wondering why you get to sing?

I: am the voice, you are the chords and that’s how we work best ‘together’.

me: agreeing half heartedly.

I: don’t get it.  WTF is with the half heartedly?

me: not wanting to speak on your behalf without consulting first.  It’s a gesture.  You know, like in the movie ‘An Everlasting Piece’. 

I: like that and count my half in.  Ok, let’s start with ‘Walking Still’ and before you interrupt, I know it’s Ryan’s song and he hasn’t officially named it yet but, I’m secretly voting he names it ‘Walking Still’ so, there…I like that one.  Kind of ‘Hopeful’…

me: agreeing wholeheartedly then.  Hey, do you think we’ll ever get on the Craig Ferguson show?  I really like those chairs.  Seems like anyone would be comfortable in them.

I: don’t know but, there’s nothing wrong with us being hopeful…

me: agreeing wholeheartedly again.   Ok, ‘Hopeful’ it is…

Day 5 of 31

I was going to save this journal for day 32 and post it but, I think for all our sakes I should tell you sooner than later. 

So, some A-hole (me) dared to ask aloud if I love cigs more than music and implied that the cigs were possibly holding the music back.  So, I (lil miss one who smokes like chimney) decided to prove my point by going without cigs for the whole month of October.  To drive it home I sent an e-mail out to my closest friends announcing it and saying I wouldn’t buy, smoke or even try to cop a whip by standing near someone who does from the 1st of October until the 1st of November.  I can’t believe I fell for it.  I’m such a sucker.   I know full well that when I challenge myself like that, I’m just being distracted from something else and I also know I won’t back down from the challenge because I can’t stand to see myself gloat over it. 

So, I guess what I’m trying to say (what we’re trying to say…oh right) is that my next few blogs might be a bit nutty.  Or maybe you won’t even notice a difference and it’s just me being hyper aware of everything including the cigarette that I dropped out of my bag months ago and is currently sitting on the floor of the back wall of the garage just taunting me (the little s.o.b.).

Seriously…I am so not talking to myself for a month when this is over.

Thanks for listening~


Arrow and the Maze – Weekend update

Got some cool pics from the resort this weekend of the moon and our proudly and oh so amateurly setup home theatre.  Will post them on the Facebook fan page after I post this.

Was the first fall weather weekend which was beautiful and smelled awesome but, I so wanted to submerge in the pool this weekend.  It’s a great head clearer (note to self, buy a wetsuit).  Cooking is for me as well so I took that option B and cooked like it was my personal restaurant by invite only and the menu never printed because it was all about what’s fresh and what chef is inspired to make.  This time, Pork chops topped with grilled pineapple and white wine n apple sauce over brown rice (yep, I took pics).

Thinking on this article I read somewhere about a tribe that has a custom of moving into the hut of a family member when they’ve died.  They say the spirit lingers and so they go to sit with the spirit until its ready to move on.  Cool custom.

My friend’s house is like that.  Even when he’s not there his spirit sort or lingers about from possesions on the walls and on display.  There’s less arguing but, it still feels as though he’s right there.  Jaim had posted a photo on facebook tagging us both in it though we weren’t physically, upon closer inspection I could totally see it.

So, it was a somewhat ghostly weekend with the virtual attendance and full moon and all but, good weekened.

Slightly dissapointed a song didn’t get written but, realizing that music isn’t just about sitting down,  pen to paper and voila.   I think sometimes music sits inside these moments waiting for its time to surface.  I’m looking forward to meeting the song that represents weekends we gathered in germ’s hut.

As always….Oh, right.  “The arrow and the maze”.  Sorry bout that.  So, I’ve learned that maneuvering in the maze at night is the new key.  One, because I think better at night and two, because the arrows leading the way are glow in the dark…how clever is that?

Found a note in there the other night at the tip of the arrow that said “find your box”.  Put that one in my pocket for now till I’m sure what it means and looking forward to whatever’s around the next corner…

Thanks for being here with me and being a part of it all.


It’s a small world after all…

The analytics that came with the website host are just okay. 

Just a lot of numbers that one day I’ll figure out but, being a visual person this bit stood out for me…seeing the different countries that have visited the website.  Thanks for coming to visit all of you.  You totally made my day~


Who visited in August, 2009

Who visited in August, 2009

September, 2009
Who popped round September, 2009